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Muscle Milk Tea Boba

I was reluctantly at my favorite Boba place today trying to cool off from the heat. I say reluctantly because while I love this joint’s Rose milk tea boba, the ordering experience is excruciating.

Every time I visit, there’s always a new weird cashier. The last cashier had a lazy eye that watched me everywhere, no matter where I stood. I swear it had its own brain. Hopefully this time would be different. When it was my turn, I approached the most gargantuan ripped cashier I’d ever seen.

Me: I’ll have the rose milk tea. Medium.

Gigantic Boba Dude: One medium Rose milk tea. You want any Boba? Jello? Any add-ons?

Me: No, no Boba. Just milk tea.

GBD: You sure you don’t want any add-ons.

Me: I’m sure.

He rang me up

GBD: Ok, One Rose muscle milk tea. That’s $3.95

Me: What? Rose muscle milk tea? What’s that?

GBD: It’s a supplement, feeds your muscles. You should get it.

I scanned the menu, trying to locate this option.

Me: Where is that on the menu? I don’t even see that.

GBD: It’s my own special add-on. I only offer it to my Sigma Nu bros and scrawny guys who look like they need it.

He pointed to a beat-up faded Nike gym bag on the floor overflowing with half-filled bottles of body building supplements. One bottle intermittently glowed green. Rummaging through it, he pulled out a 30 lb dumbbell and began doing curls.

GBD: I’m gonna squeeze out a few while you’re checking out the menu.

Me: Uh, sure whatever.

GBD: I got everything. (grunt) Muscle Milk. (grunt) Krazee Juice. El Gigante. (grunt) Tiger’s Junk. Whatever you want.

He put the dumbbell down, wiped his brow and rested his arm on the register. His tight T-shirt’s short sleeve lifted to reveal a badly inked tattoo for the Chinese character “fire”.

GBD: Whew, only 29 more sets to go.

Me: Is the owner of this place ok with what you’re doing?

GBD: Oh, she’s totally cool with it.

He motioned to an elderly woman sitting in the back sleeping.  This all seemed shaky.

GBD: So any other add-ons?

Me: No, I don’t want any add-ons. No Muscle Milk. Tiger’s Junk, Go-Go Juice, Monkey Nads. Whatever. I don’t want it.

GBD: Monkey Nads? Never heard of it. Sounds good. How can I get some? Does it help with your pecs?

He began flexing his pecs in his chest, alternating between left and right. It was simultaneously grotesque and mesmerizing. I stared for several seconds and then snapped out of my hypnotic state.

Me: No, I, I just made it up. Y’know what, forget it. I’ll just go with a coffee. Gimme a small Iced Coffee.

GBD: No prob, Bro.

Good.  A simple iced coffee can’t be screwed up, I thought.

GBD: You want any add-ons? I got Monster, Rockstar, Bonk-No-More, Hyperfeine with 100x the caffeine of coffee. It makes 5 Hour Energy drink look like Ambien. How about Run-Forest-Run!? It gives you a 24 hour runner’s high. But if you add it, walk around with a pillow, the crash is short but a little intense.

I sighed and shook my head.

GBD: Ok, Ok. Got it, no add-ons, nada Compadre! Just coffee! Ok, I got special beans crapped out by an Indonesian Lemur. Super smooth!  How ‘bout it?

I turned around and headed for the door. He called out:

GBD: Hey Bro, I’m teaching a class at the gym. It’s exactly like the Insanity workout on TV but with lots of swearing and cussing. Called “Profanity”. Check it out!

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