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Muscle Milk Tea Boba

August 26, 2013 Leave a comment

I was reluctantly at my favorite Boba place today trying to cool off from the heat. I say reluctantly because while I love this joint’s Rose milk tea boba, the ordering experience is excruciating.

Every time I visit, there’s always a new weird cashier. The last cashier had a lazy eye that watched me everywhere, no matter where I stood. I swear it had its own brain. Hopefully this time would be different. When it was my turn, I approached the most gargantuan ripped cashier I’d ever seen.

Me: I’ll have the rose milk tea. Medium.

Gigantic Boba Dude: One medium Rose milk tea. You want any Boba? Jello? Any add-ons?

Me: No, no Boba. Just milk tea.

GBD: You sure you don’t want any add-ons.

Me: I’m sure.

He rang me up

GBD: Ok, One Rose muscle milk tea. That’s $3.95

Me: What? Rose muscle milk tea? What’s that?

GBD: It’s a supplement, feeds your muscles. You should get it.

I scanned the menu, trying to locate this option.

Me: Where is that on the menu? I don’t even see that.

GBD: It’s my own special add-on. I only offer it to my Sigma Nu bros and scrawny guys who look like they need it.

He pointed to a beat-up faded Nike gym bag on the floor overflowing with half-filled bottles of body building supplements. One bottle intermittently glowed green. Rummaging through it, he pulled out a 30 lb dumbbell and began doing curls.

GBD: I’m gonna squeeze out a few while you’re checking out the menu.

Me: Uh, sure whatever.

GBD: I got everything. (grunt) Muscle Milk. (grunt) Krazee Juice. El Gigante. (grunt) Tiger’s Junk. Whatever you want.

He put the dumbbell down, wiped his brow and rested his arm on the register. His tight T-shirt’s short sleeve lifted to reveal a badly inked tattoo for the Chinese character “fire”.

GBD: Whew, only 29 more sets to go.

Me: Is the owner of this place ok with what you’re doing?

GBD: Oh, she’s totally cool with it.

He motioned to an elderly woman sitting in the back sleeping.  This all seemed shaky.

GBD: So any other add-ons?

Me: No, I don’t want any add-ons. No Muscle Milk. Tiger’s Junk, Go-Go Juice, Monkey Nads. Whatever. I don’t want it.

GBD: Monkey Nads? Never heard of it. Sounds good. How can I get some? Does it help with your pecs?

He began flexing his pecs in his chest, alternating between left and right. It was simultaneously grotesque and mesmerizing. I stared for several seconds and then snapped out of my hypnotic state.

Me: No, I, I just made it up. Y’know what, forget it. I’ll just go with a coffee. Gimme a small Iced Coffee.

GBD: No prob, Bro.

Good.  A simple iced coffee can’t be screwed up, I thought.

GBD: You want any add-ons? I got Monster, Rockstar, Bonk-No-More, Hyperfeine with 100x the caffeine of coffee. It makes 5 Hour Energy drink look like Ambien. How about Run-Forest-Run!? It gives you a 24 hour runner’s high. But if you add it, walk around with a pillow, the crash is short but a little intense.

I sighed and shook my head.

GBD: Ok, Ok. Got it, no add-ons, nada Compadre! Just coffee! Ok, I got special beans crapped out by an Indonesian Lemur. Super smooth!  How ‘bout it?

I turned around and headed for the door. He called out:

GBD: Hey Bro, I’m teaching a class at the gym. It’s exactly like the Insanity workout on TV but with lots of swearing and cussing. Called “Profanity”. Check it out!

10 Things Not to Sell at Garage Sales

August 18, 2013 4 comments

My Black Friday garage sale was not a success. Maybe because my 7AM door buster special was an actual busted door.

I am an expert at garage sales. Love finding that gem of a deal at prices as low as 99% off list. Recent example: Almost new baby swing chair for $10. Originally $100. SCORE!

But in my quest to find that treasure of a deal, I’ve come across a number of lame garage sales. Because of this, I present this list for Sellers:

  1. Don’t sell junk. Especially things that are broken. No one wants it, even the Salvation Army will laugh in your face and say, “We don’t want that crap”. Just trash it.
  2. If it’s tattered, don’t sell it. Applies to shirts, jackets, stuffed animals, blankets, etc. Does NOT apply to 18th century American flags.
  3. Underwear or lingerie. Enough said. Wait no, let me say more: Disgusting. Hell no. Think-again-Marketing-Genius.
  4. Board games with missing pieces. How can you play Monopoly without the top hat? Where is the card for Park Place? Where are the dice? Boo. Forced me to take down the pair of dice from my car rear-view mirror just so my kids could play the damn game.
  5. Overpriced items: You seriously think you can sell books because they are 50% off? Or a popcorn maker for $15 just because you paid $40? Hold on, let me call 911 because I’m about to die laughing.
  6. Used coffee mugs: Almost as bad as lingerie. Would someone really want to buy mugs with coffee stains on the inside and lipstick marks on the rim?  Sell it to blind people you say? Oh, that’s cold.
  7. Your collection of porn. Dude, families go to garage sales. I don’t want my kids rummaging through your back issues of Hot Librarians.
  8. McDonald’s Star Wars collectables: No one wants the movie tie-in toys you, an adult, collected by buying up all the Happy Meals. There’s a reason Happy Meals are for kids, Lord Vader.
  9. Half-used toiletries. Yes, I have seen open and used Head and Shoulder bottles being sold for $.50. Ratchets up the Eeeewwww factor.
  10. Your kid’s trophies. First, who wants a 2nd place regional Junior Ice Dancing trophy that has your kid’s name on it? Second, your kid won this and you’re selling it? And you wonder why she’s in therapy with Daddy issues? If you must throw it out, wait until she’s in college and then do it “by accident” when you were doing some “spring cleaning”.
  11. Old technology: Ladies respect an ambitious guy talking on a cell phone cutting a deal and looking busy. Ladies don’t respect a guy talking on a cell phone when it’s the size of a brick with a foot-long antennae sticking out of it. See Rule #1.

Number 11 was a bonus because after visiting garage sales all weekend, I’m in a giving mood.

Have a great weekend.

Would you drink this?

October 23, 2011 2 comments

At a subpar coffee house, drinking bad coffee that tastes like it’s leftover from an early morning batch. 

Coffee here is available as Tall, Grande, and Extra Chunky.

Starbucks New 31-Ouncer: My Bladder Already Hurts

January 18, 2011 Leave a comment

Apparently, Starbucks coffee consumers can’t get enough.

Yesterday, the company announced that it will soon be rolling out the new Trenta. A giant 31-ounce cup that will hold iced coffees, teas, and lemonades for thirsty masses.

Wow. That’s a lot of coffee.

Anticipating that the new Trenta will soon be insufficient, next month, the company will introducing the Enorme, a coffee-filled IV bag.

Imagine a never-ending flow of coffee! You can even adjust your own rate of hourly drip!

Categories: humor Tags: , , , , ,
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