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Posts Tagged ‘funny’

Growing Old Is Not So Great

August 15, 2013 Leave a comment

You know you’re getting old when you spend less time thinking about sex and more time thinking about carbs.

Oooooh… Tiramisu.

I was at the supermarket with my wife when she slapped me on the head. “Are you looking at that girl?!” she asked, pointing to an attractive PYT standing in the dessert section.

“No Babe, I was not staring at her. I was ogling the banana cream pie.”

“Oh.”

And marital bliss resumed.

I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but all of a sudden I turned old.  I went from looking in the mirror and thinking, Damn, I look good! to Damn, I look goowhere the heck did all these wrinkles come from!?!

Looking back, I now see the signs of aging.  I started putting on the pounds. Reader’s Digest large print edition suddenly made sense.  I began talking less/muttering more.  When channel surfing, I’d linger on Lawrence Welk reruns. I started celebrating good news by taking a nap instead of hitting Happy Hour: “Honey! I got the raise! Isn’t that great? I’m gonna go lie down for a bit.”

Subtle and slightly depressing signs.

Nonetheless, I’ve decided that it’s ok– a part of life. While I may not embrace aging, I’ll work with it. See where it takes me.

In the meantime, I’ve never ever considered a ménage-a-trois. But if it involves me, my wife, and a dessert, I’m totally there.

Maybe We Should Just Say “Yay!”

August 9, 2013 Leave a comment

My friend has Osteogenesis Imperfecta, aka ‘brittle bone disease’. Simple bumps for most people can have devastating consequences for him. Whenever we do the fist bump with exploding fist, his fist actually explodes.

After he stops screaming from the intense pain, we just look at each other and start cracking up.  He raises his mangled hand and fingers, and we start vigorously high-fiving.

Then he passes out.

Good times.

Dent be gone

October 27, 2011 Leave a comment

Figured out how to cover the dings and dents on the back of my aging minivan: use  school bumper stickers. Problem is while my kid is bright, she’s not Student-of-the-Month every month bright. Hope those stickers come in poster size.

Home Depot: At least call the dudes at CFA

October 23, 2011 Leave a comment

I respect Chick-Fil-A for closing on Sundays for religious beliefs. Curious to know if Home Depot founders would observe a religion that requires that they close the entire weekend.  Then I’d have an excuse of why I haven’t fixed the broken sprinkler, loose tile, leaky showerhead, wobbly table, squeaky screen door, cracked window pane…

WHENEVER I FEEL DISCONTENT

October 19, 2011 2 comments

WHENEVER I FEEL DISCONTENT about my finances, I take a trip to Dollar Tree. The realization that I could buy anything in any quantity, changes my attitude and helps me be more grateful. I feel like a very rich man. After a few minutes though, I get agitated because Dollar Tree doesn’t sell yachts and private islands.

Categories: humor Tags: , , ,

Caught between a Hard Place and a Soft Sweater

March 1, 2011 1 comment

MY KID WAS PUTTING on his sweater, but his head got stuck. He kept pulling and tugging– I had to help him to avoid a meltdown. It was his very own 127 moment: any longer and he would’ve done something horribly drastic, like cut off a chunk of a $50 sweater.

Categories: fatherhood, humor Tags: , , , ,

Justin Bieber Tweets

March 1, 2011 Leave a comment

Driving home, traffic around the high school was at a complete standstill. Bumper to bumper for NO reason. Traffic didn’t start moving until Justin Bieber said he had to pee and would stop tweeting for 10 minutes.

Categories: humor Tags: , , ,
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