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7 Surefire Tips for a Successful Marriage

September 9, 2013 Leave a comment

Marital experts say a successful marriage is one where couples are unpredictable, spontaneous, and full of surprises. Last night, I told my wife Ryan Reynolds makes me feel tingly.

As a marriage veteran of almost 20 years, I have officially declared myself qualified to talk about what it takes to achieve marital success. My wife and I have worked diligently on our marriage.  Along the way, I’ve learned a few nuggets of wisdom I hope others find useful:

  1. Say Please: It’s amazing how effective adding “Please” to any phrase makes it easier to accept. “Please do the damn dishes” is soooo much easier to take then listening to your spouse bark, “Do the damn dishes.”
  1. Don’t Assume: The traditional saying goes, “Don’t assume because it makes an ass out of you and me. No. This is the WRONG reason why we shouldn’t assume. The real reason? By assuming, you are combining “Ass” with “Ume”. Ume is a delicious Japanese fruit. Never EVER equate this tasty Asian plum with ass.
  1. Say Thank You: When I do something nice for my wife, I want her to say, “Thank you” Not xie xie, merci, or gracias. Unlike the rest of the world, I am an American and only capable of speaking English. I will not understand your gibberish.
  1. Put the Marriage Ahead of the Kids: It’s easy to let the marital relationship suffer when kids require so much attention. My simple solution: order pizza delivery and put on a DVD. Take 4 pillows, align two end to end on one side of your bed. Repeat with the other pair. Cover said pillows with a blanket to make it look like you’re both taking a nap. Then go out on a date. The kids will be fine, you worry wart.
  1. Find Common Ground: When arguing, start on an issue that both of you can agree on, then work from there. By focusing on what you can agree on, you’ll have an easier time communicating, building consensus and increasing the odds of agreeing on some of the more touchy topics. For example, start off by agreeing how you both find split pea soup disgusting, then expand from there to eventually agree on how your mother-in-law has a big mouth.
  1. Fight Fair: Don’t believe the misconception that good couples never fight. Fighting is common and nothing to be ashamed about. The key thing is that you must fight fair. You have to have the right tools and lay down the ground rules. Make sure each spouse has proper fitting gloves, headgear, hire a qualified referee to supervise the bout, and be sure to have a portable defribillator on site. Then go at it! Ding! Ding! Ding!
  1. Communicate in Different Ways: Inevitably your spouse will make you so mad you’ll blurt something out. But you don’t want your spouse to actually hear and yell, “What did you say? Did you just call me a ‘beer-chuggin’ walrus?’ Say that to my face, dude, and I’ll punch you in the nuts.” Avoid a nasty confrontation with this delicate flower. Try muttering. By muttering, either she won’t hear, or she’ll just think you’re crazy. And if you must voice your anger, release your stress by screaming into a pillow. Just remember to breathe or you could accidentally smother yourself (depending on your frustration level, this might be a good thing).

That’s it, by following these simple seven rules, you’ll soon be on your way to enjoying marital bliss.

You’re welcome.

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