Archive

Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Growing Old Is Not So Great

August 15, 2013 Leave a comment

You know you’re getting old when you spend less time thinking about sex and more time thinking about carbs.

Oooooh… Tiramisu.

I was at the supermarket with my wife when she slapped me on the head. “Are you looking at that girl?!” she asked, pointing to an attractive PYT standing in the dessert section.

“No Babe, I was not staring at her. I was ogling the banana cream pie.”

“Oh.”

And marital bliss resumed.

I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but all of a sudden I turned old.  I went from looking in the mirror and thinking, Damn, I look good! to Damn, I look goowhere the heck did all these wrinkles come from!?!

Looking back, I now see the signs of aging.  I started putting on the pounds. Reader’s Digest large print edition suddenly made sense.  I began talking less/muttering more.  When channel surfing, I’d linger on Lawrence Welk reruns. I started celebrating good news by taking a nap instead of hitting Happy Hour: “Honey! I got the raise! Isn’t that great? I’m gonna go lie down for a bit.”

Subtle and slightly depressing signs.

Nonetheless, I’ve decided that it’s ok– a part of life. While I may not embrace aging, I’ll work with it. See where it takes me.

In the meantime, I’ve never ever considered a ménage-a-trois. But if it involves me, my wife, and a dessert, I’m totally there.

Suburban Graffiti

August 8, 2013 Leave a comment

Growing up in a suburb of Los Angeles, I never saw much of the city. Only when we drove by graffiti on the 10 freeway. Graffiti fascinated me. A mixture of art, communication, and bad-boy activity.

The illegal nature was especially intriguing given my overall good-boy upbringing. The closest I’d come to doing anything remotely illegal was holding onto an overdue library book when I was 11. A week past its due date, I fretted. Lost a lot of sleep calculating the fine and what it’d do to my good standing at the library.

If I had a chance to write graffiti here in the suburbs, I’d be sure to incorporate important messages in my art. Here’s a sampling:

  • On the walls of a Whole Foods store: “Trader Joe’s rules! You guys are paying 30% more! Suckas!
  • In the Marshall’s parking lot:  “Get some racks! I hate rummaging through shirts on the floor!”
  • In front of Costco: “Would it kill you to open until 9pm?”
  • In the Starbucks bathroom: “The music is too damn loud and too damn folksy!”
  • At the local Boy Scouts office:  “Hey B*tches! Girl Scouts 4 eva!”

Sometimes to make your point, you gotta use unconventional means.

Caught between a Hard Place and a Soft Sweater

March 1, 2011 1 comment

MY KID WAS PUTTING on his sweater, but his head got stuck. He kept pulling and tugging– I had to help him to avoid a meltdown. It was his very own 127 moment: any longer and he would’ve done something horribly drastic, like cut off a chunk of a $50 sweater.

Categories: fatherhood, humor Tags: , , , ,

Justin Bieber Tweets

March 1, 2011 Leave a comment

Driving home, traffic around the high school was at a complete standstill. Bumper to bumper for NO reason. Traffic didn’t start moving until Justin Bieber said he had to pee and would stop tweeting for 10 minutes.

Categories: humor Tags: , , ,

Train’s Romantic Hit, “Marry Me”

February 22, 2011 Leave a comment

Train’s hot new ballad “Marry Me” captures the tender intimacy of one of life’s most memorable moments. The track is super romantic– destined to be played at weddings across the nation this year.

Continuing their focus on the different stages of marriage, next year Train will drop the song, “It’s Your Turn to Change His Diaper,” and for 2015, release the sure-fire hit “Is Our Anniversary the 18th or the 19th?” followed immediately by “Of Course I Remember, I was Just Kidding.”

Categories: humor Tags: , , , , ,

I Need the Naughty Corner

February 20, 2011 Leave a comment

For play dates, I’ll take my kids to museums, libraries, and other friends’ houses. But I’ll NEVER take them to a desert or a field. Those locales are expansive and not conducive for effective parenting. 

#1 Rule of Parenting: Be Consistent in Your Discipline. If you say you’re going to put your kid in naughty corner, you better deliver.

Imagine trying to discipline your kid in a field. No naughty corners there, so what do you say? ‘Go to the naughty soft flower bed!’ or ‘Go to the naughty majestic oak tree!’.

LAME.  There’s no way.

My dream play date would be at a maze. Plenty of corners there so I know my kids WILL behave.

Diabetic Cookie Monster Visits His Doctor

February 19, 2011 Leave a comment

Me want cookie again.

But Cookie Monster just visited doctor. Doctor has bad news for Cookie Monster. Doctor says Cookie Monster has Diabetes. Doctor says Cookie Monster must control cookie appetite. He said less cookie, more veggies.

Me ask doctor if veggies come in cookie flavor. He look puzzled. Me think he fake doctor because his eyes not googly.

You know what that means? ME EAT COOKIE! Om, nom, nom, nom.

Categories: diabetes Tags: , , , , ,
%d bloggers like this: